I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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