I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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