so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
COCAINE IS GR8
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
