Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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