mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Don't make out with my wife yet
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
