I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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