No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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