It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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