My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
