dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
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Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
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apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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