My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
