She is in my trunk
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
