I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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