the condom got lost in my hair
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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