we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
