You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
