She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
