Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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