and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
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I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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