i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My balls are so social today.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
