I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
