I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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