i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
