A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
