I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
