My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hippo gnu deer
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
