did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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