Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
