She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
