went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
