Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
no you cant smoke seaweed
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
