Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
