this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
