Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My cat gives me a boner
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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