the condom got lost in my hair
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
