There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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