dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
