I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
