yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
