I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
did you just send me my own nude
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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