i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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