Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
