Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
