i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
