We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
