Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
