Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
