if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
