apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
