I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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