you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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