The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
