we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
