he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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