apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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